Okay, children, let's take our seats. Did you take attendance, Mr. Slave?
All donesy-wonsey.
Okay, let's all take out our math homework and go over the problems.
Math homework, math homework, where did I file that?
Oh, and by the way, children, there's a walkout
scheduled today to protest the war in Iraq.
So, if you're against the war, run along outside,
and if you're for the war, stay here and we'll do math problems.
We got out of school! No more school today!
- What should we do? - Let's go see a movie!
No war! No war! No war!
No war!
No war! No war!
No war, m'kay! No war, m'kay!
Oh, here you go, boys! These will help you protest!
It's good to see that you care about peace, boys, m'kay.
No war, m'kay!
Excuse me, boys!
Tom Statzl, HBC News.
Can you tell me why you kids marched out of school today?
- War? - Right, what about the war?
It's gay.
And what aspect of it do you think is most gay?
"No blood for oil. "
Yeah. "War is not my voice. "
Hey, all you un-American bastards!
If you don't like America, why don't you get out?
Don't you call us un-American!
This country was founded on the right to protest, m'kay!
If the Founding Fathers saw you burning your flag
and calling the President a Nazi,
they'd roll over in their graves!
The Founding Fathers would agree with our right to protest!
The Founding Fathers would kick all your asses!
Boys, what do you think the Founding Fathers would say?
The foggy who?
Well, I hope you little commies are pretty pleased with yourselves.
Going out there and protesting America
and then saying on national television
that you don't even know who the Founding Fathers are!
You kids don't know squat about America, do you?
Well, not really, no.
Well, that's just jingles.
Because I'm assigning all you little flag burners a full report
on 1776 and the Founding Fathers!
Shut up! I want you all in your study groups of four,
and if you can't give an outstanding report on what the Founding Fathers
would have to say about all this protesting, then it's F's for you!
I can't do it. This is way too much material for a nine-year-old.
Oh, no, you don't, Cartman! Every time we get put in a study group,
you sit on ass while the rest of us do all the work!
But you guys are such better studiers than me. I know you can pull it off.
You're gonna read this stuff and study like the rest of us!
Shut up and study!
1776, when our Founding Fathers created America.
I wonder what it used to be like in those days.
In those days... In those days... In those days...
What are you doing?
I'm trying to have a flashback.
You know, if I have a flashback, then I can see what 1776 was like first-hand.
No, you just have to study.
No, no, no, I've seen this work before. Just give me a second.
Okay, okay. How about this?
Say, guys, 1776 was so long ago. I wonder what life would have been like
back then. Back then... Back then... Back then...
Wait, wait, I know, I know.
You know, guys, I don't even care about 1776.
It was so long ago that I don't think it has anything to do with me.
With me... Anything to do with me... With me...
That isn't going to work, dumb ass!
Kids, let's keep it down for study groups
or else Mr. Garrison is going to punish me.
Just face it, Cartman, you're going to have to study!
There. All finished! From now on, this is the pro-war side of town
and that's the unpatriotic side.
How about we call this the rational side of town
and that the redneck side?
You just keep all your flag burning
and your hippie rock protest songs on your side of the town!
Hey, wait a minute. Your side of town has the post office.
Well, your side has the grocery store.
Well, you could come to our side of town to use the post office
if we can go to your side to use the grocery store.
Can we cross the line to take our kids to school?
Well, naturally, you can cross the line for that,
just like we can cross the line for hardware supplies,
gas and pharmaceutical needs.
Hey, everybody, this is never gonna work.
Don't you see? All this dividing up the town, it's just ridiculous.
What we really should be doing
is just beating the hell out of each other like we were.
He's right. Boy, do I feel like a fool.
Cartman, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be studying!
That's what I'm doing. I'm about to find out all about
- what happened back in 1776. - How?
All I have to do is be thinking about American history
when I walk through this doorway.
I'll trip the rope, causing the rock to fall on my head,
and then I will have a flashback to the times of our Founding Fathers!
Cartman, you are hereby declared a full-fledged retard.
Make fun of me all you want, Kyle, but I will have the last laugh.
Gentlemen, if you will clear the doorway, please?
Oh, gee, I wonder what it used to be like in the year 1776?
Cartman?
- Benjamin Franklin? - No, turd pants, it's Kyle!
Kyle, get out of my flashback, you goddamn Jew.
- Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! - Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!
Okay, people, what are we rabbling about now?
Mayor, our peace rally has always been set for this Saturday,
and now these pro-war bastards are suddenly trying to say
they get the town square!
That's bullcrap, Mayor!
Our rally to support the war was set up months ago!
There was no war months ago!
Hey, if you don't like America, then you can get out.
Look, nobody wants to hear a bunch of twangy country music,
pro-war propaganda!
Nobody wants to hear a bunch of rock protest songs!
Up yours, rednecks!
- Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! - Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!
Quiet, people!
The town square is public space.
That means if neither group will nicely and maturely
move the day of its rally,
I'll just have to give the town square to both groups.
All right, that's fine,
because our war support songs will be 1,000 times better!
You think so? Bring the shizzle.
We'll trizzle the shizzle all over the hizzle.
Yeah? See you Saturday,
mckizzer shanizzernilla shnazz beyaznatch kazizza.
- Cartman? - Cartman?
You better be studying, God damn it.
- Stan, Kyle, Kenny, you're just in time. - Oh, no.
Oh, yes! I am just about to flash back to the days of our Founding Fathers.
Cartman, you're supposed to be studying! What the hell is all this?
I have programmed TiVo to record over 50 hours of the History Channel.
When TiVo is full, both TiVo and I will be dropped into the water,
combining our electro-whatever fields,
and sending me into a flashback of history.
Cartman, I think that's a really bad idea.
Or a really sweet one.
Your TiVo is full.
Here it goes!
Cartman? Cartman?
Oh, crap.
Awesome!
Oy, there, young lad! Are you all right?
Yeah, yeah, can you tell me what year it is?
This year? Why it's 1776, it is.
Oh, yes! I did it! I did it!
Would you like a ride into town?
I'm on my way to Master Thomas Jefferson's house
to get a very important document, I am.
Kick... ass, dude!
Never seen you around here, friend. Might you be from up north?
No, I'm not from here at all. I'm having a flashback!
A flashback? Why, what is that?
Well, you know, it's a...
Awesome!
Look at me, I'm back in time in 1776
With gas-light corners cobblestone streets
and humble houses made of bricks
What a special magic time and it's all alive for me
I'm so glad Stan and Kyle aren't here I hate those guys seriously
Seriously hate those guys Hate Stan and Kyle
Is he going to be all right, Doctor?
Your son tried to kill himself
in a ritualistic fashion I've never seen before.
His chances of surviving are very slim.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, baby, baby, you can't die!
Yeah, we have a report to do, asshole!
- Get up! Get up! - Easy, Kyle.
But it's not fair! We have to do a full report
on the Founding Fathers and Cartman got out of helping us, again!
I guess we're just gonna have to do it with the three of us. Come on, guys.
I know you're in a very dark place now, sweetie,
but you must come toward the light. Come toward the light.
Here we are then, the current residence of Master Thomas Jefferson!
Super neat-o!
I'm afraid you'll have to wait here.
But I need to talk to the Founding Fathers to do my report.
Sorry, only the official messenger boy is allowed to talk to Mr. Jefferson.
Okay, I guess I understand.
I don't want to wait for our lives to be over
I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over
Hello, I am Thomas Jefferson.
And I am the official messenger boy, I am!
Very well, take this document to the Continental Congress.
Wow, the Declaration of Independence Day.
Some favour going to war with England,
and others want to avoid war at all costs.
It's a bitch, ain't it?
Perhaps this document will make the reasons for war obvious to all.
Good luck, young messenger. Now make haste!
Okay, so Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence,
then the Continental Congress...
- No war! No war! No war! - Oh, Jesus.
Boys, would you mind clearing the living room?
We have to practice our big war protest song.
Dad, we have to study!
Mr. Garrison is making us do a presentation
on what the Founding Fathers would say about the war.
Hey, that's a terrific idea!
Yeah! We could have the boys do their presentation
as part of our peace rally on Saturday!
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
- Support our troops! - Support our troops!
See? I told you they had your son!
Kenny! What are you doing over here with all these un-American traitors?
The boys are going to give a presentation at our rally
about how the Founding Fathers would agree with our right to protest!
What? No!
Actually, we hadn't really come to a decision...
Look, my son is a patriot and loves his country!
Come on, Kenny!
Now!
Yeah! Support our troops! Support our troops!
Kenny, no.
Now we lost two in our study group!
God damn it!
Can you believe those hick sons of bitches?
Manipulating their kids into being on their side!
Disgraceful! Stan and Kyle, it's up to you to show all those warmongers
that the Founding Fathers agree with us.
Yeah! That's right. Let's get back to work!
Do you think kids in every town have to deal with this crap?
Enter, young messenger!
I am John Hancock, President of the Congress.
Wow!
Mr. John Adams?
Aye.
Will you do the honours of reading the document to Congress, please?
"When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people...
"We mutually pledge to each other,
"our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honour.
"P.S. Every Thursday should be free ice cream day. "
Excuse me, but does this declaration actually suggest
that we should go to war with England?
We have no choice, Mr. Dickinson!
All right, everyone! Thank you all for coming out to protest the war, m'kay.
Don't kid yourselves!
These people have come out to support our troops, right?
And now, Randy Marsh is going to sing a protest song he wrote about the war.
Oh, no, you don't! We're doing our pro-war song first!
Yeah! The last thing these people want
is another bleeding heart rock protest song!
People, I told you, you have to share the stage!
Nobody wants to hear another pro-war country song!
Well, excuse me if...
I'm a little bit country
Well, I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll
I'm a little for supporting our troops
And I'm a little for bringing them home
I believe freedom isn't free
No, but war shouldn't be our goal
We must defend our country
If it means war, then we say no
Did you forget them towers in New York?
Did you forget how it made you feel to see them towers come down?
Were you like me? Did you think it weren't real?
I like to rock but I don't want to rock Iraq!
The only kind of rocking America should do is the kind that we can all dance to
We've got GPS, ICBMs and good ol' fashion lead
We're gonna show Saddam what America means
That son of a bitch'll be dead
Why are we fighting this war?
There's a man in the office we didn't vote for!
They didn't give me a choice War is not my voice, yeah!
We must go to war!
But what about the violence, the lives lost?
If we found a country, it should be founded on peace and diplomacy!
England will only understand one thing, force.
I must state again for the record that
South Carolina, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Maryland and Georgia
are against war.
Yeah, because you don't care about the fate of the Colonies like we do.
You're all unpatriotic! And if you don't like the Colonies, then you can get out.
Don't you call us unpatriotic. We are protesting this war because
we care so deeply for the fate of our Colonies!
You are all unpatriotic for leading the Colonies into a war
that half of them don't want!
How very, very relevant.
Tom, I'm standing in the town square where the war rally has been going on
for an incredible 87 hours.
The crowd still appears to be split right down the middle.
Half support country music
and the other half rock 'n' roll. Let's listen in.
And now we'd like to bring out a couple of very special South Park students,
who did a report on what the Founding Fathers
would have to say about the war.
For you people who still think war is the answer,
perhaps you can listen to the voices of the children.
We didn't do it.
- What? - We didn't do our homework.
Boys! You were supposed to come out here
and tell everyone about the Founding Fathers.
Well, first we lost one study partner
when Cartman put himself in the hospital and then they took Kenny away
and then Kyle forgot to set his clock ahead for daylight-savings,
and we couldn't find anything in the history books about Iraq...
That's because the Founding Fathers would have supported the war!
The Founding Fathers would have protested like us!
Support!
Protest!
Country!
Rock 'n' roll!
- Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! - Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!
We cannot found a country based on war!
We cannot found a country that is afraid to fight!
- Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! - Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!
- Benjamin Franklin. - It's Mr. Franklin.
Benjamin Franklin, Franklin, Franklin, Benjamin Franklin.
Mr. Franklin, where do you stand on the war issue?
I believe that if we are to form a new country, we cannot be a country
that appears war-hungry and violent to the rest of the world.
However, we also cannot be a country that appears weak and unwilling to fight
to the rest of the world. So what if we form a country
that appears to want both?
Yes. Yes, of course!
We go to war and protest going to war at the same time.
Right. If the people of our new country are allowed to do whatever they wish,
then some will support the war and some will protest it.
And that means that as a nation we could go to war
with whomever we wished,
but at the same time act like we didn't want to.
If we allow the people to protest what the government does
then the country will be forever blameless!
It's like having your cake and eating it, too.
Think of it, an entire nation founded on saying one thing and doing another.
And we will call that country the United States of America.
Wow, I get it now! I get it!
Here it goes.
I wish I could go back to my time. To my time... To my time...
Wow!
Everyone! Stop! Please!
The child, the child from the hospital!
If you all don't mind, I would like to do my report now.
I know what the Founding Fathers would say.
- He does? - He does?
I learned something today.
This country was founded by some of the smartest thinkers
the world has ever seen, and they knew one thing,
that a truly great country can go to war
and at the same time act like it doesn't want to.
You people who are for the war, you need the protestors
because they make the country look
like it's made of sane, caring individuals.
And you people who are anti-war, you need these flag wavers
because if our whole country was made up of nothing but soft, pussy protestors,
we'd get taken down in a second.
That's why the Founding Fathers decided we should have both.
It's called having your cake and eating it, too.
He's right. The strength of this country
is the ability to do one thing and say another.
Yeah, if it weren't for all you guys protesting,
everyone around the world would hate the American people
instead of just the President.
And if it weren't for you people flexing your arms,
America could easily get taken over by terrorists or China.
I guess we owe you an apology.
I guess we owe you one.
Cartman? Cartman saved the day?
It can't be.
The Founding Fathers want you all to know
that we can disagree all we want,
as long as we agree that America kicks ass.
Hey, I'm a little bit country
And I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll
I'll be the muscle of America
And me, I'll be the caring soul
And when you put us together you get a nation with one goal
To thrive and prosper with a little country and rock 'n' roll
Come on up here, everybody!
We're a little bit country And we're a little bit rock 'n' roll
We can be a nation that believes in war
And still tells the world that we don't
Let the flag for hypocrisy fly high from every pole
Cause we're a little bit country and we're a little bit rock 'n' roll
Well, good night, everybody.
It sure has been great bringing you 100 episodes.
We wanna thank our guests, the pro-war people
and the anti-war people.
- What the hell are they doing now? - I don't know.
For the war, against the war Who cares? One hundred episodes
I hate this town. I really, really do.